Guys Want Relationships Too

Is he looking for a serious relationship?

Good news for all of the relationship craving, lovesick girls out there: you’re not alone. And, I don’t just mean that you’re in good company amongst the women of the world. Plenty of men are seeking traditional, long-term, committed relationships.

Hard to believe, right? It doesn’t seem like all the polo-shirt clad, twenty-something guys in bars are too concerned with getting to know you. But, science tells us differently.

Before speaking with Justin Garcia, a researcher in the Laboratory of Evolutionary Anthropology and Health at Binghamton University, I read through an article he co-authored for the Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology. In “Hook-Up Behavior: A Biophysical Perspective,” Garcia and his co-author, Chris Reiber, found that close to 50 % of their 500 student sample pool reported hooking up as a way to potentially initiate a traditional relationship. There was no difference between male and female responses. I was shocked.

When I asked Garcia about this, he explained that this finding was exactly why the study got a lot of media attention. He said,

“That goes against our notions of sex differences. In the popular literature, we’ve way overdone sex differences. Both males and females want sex, love and companionship. Men might not talk about it. Women want to have wild sex but they might not talk about it. Although males and females prioritize issues about sex differently, the underlying motivation is quite similar. It goes against our notion of men spreading the seed and women wanting babies.

The fact that there’s no sex differences is particularly telling, but it also means that one out of every two people who engage in hook up actually want something much more. They want an emotional fulfillment or an attachment to another person.”

This indicates that women aren’t the only ones iffy about the hook-up culture. Apparently, gender differences do not exist in the hook-up cutlure, or at least are not as great as we might assume, That turns things upside down.

Men too are looking for love.

Are We Too Busy for Relationships?

Gen Y-ers are used to being this busy

Are we hooking up because we don’t have time to maintain serious romantic relationships, or even to date?

Generation Y is unarguably the most overscheduled generation in recent history. We spent our childhoods running between ballet and soccer practice, from gymnastics to piano lessons, from karate to boy scouts. Later, it was a matter of shuffling play rehearsals and SAT tutoring. Now, we find ourselves at classes one morning, campus jobs that afternoon, and our internship the next day. Where can we squeeze in a significant other?

In “Binge: What Your College Student Won’t Tell You,” author and longtime Time reporter Barrett Seaman stipulates that hooking up is simply easier than having a relationship. During our phone interview today, he elaborated:

“Maintaining a relationship takes work. There are ups and downs when you make a commitment. Your partner expects you to be at certain things, to be available and when you’ve got all these other things going on in your life, which you certainly do in college, that can become a drag or a distraction, at the very least. So, if you can get sexual gratification without having that burden, why not?”

Olivia, a Hamilton College junior, is evidence of Seaman’s claims.

“I don’t want a relationship where you have to spend every waking moment with the significant other and eat every meal with him and sleep over every night. I don’t have time for that. I have academics, extra-curriculars, and resume-building internships to worry about.”

But, people don’t get less busy after college. They may be balancing a lesser variety of things, but young professionals certainly aren’t spending hours curled up on their couches. Nonetheless, the vast majority of gen y-ers plan to get married in the decade following college. If we’ve never before put time into creating and nurturing a relationship, how will we learn to cultivate one that leads to marriage?

Hooking Up = The Path to True Love?

This isn't how things work, is it?

There’s a misleading title for you. But, it’s exactly what a lot of us went into college thinking. We heard otherwise, but thought we would be the exception. The truth is, those for whom it works out are the exception the exception. Sound confusing? It is.

I’m in the process of asking female college students to define the romance culture at their schools. It’s only right, albeit predictable, that this turns into a drawn out discussion of their romantic histories.

A Barnard College senior summed it up perfectly when I asked her how she fit into the romance culture at her college. She said,

“I try and avoid this scene as much as possible, having learned the mistakes of partaking during my freshmen year when I thought that hookups lead to true love. Lol. They don’t.”

I appreciate the “lol,” but feelings are no laughing matter. A Syracuse University junior said that she seeks a serious relationship. She explained her reasoning.

“Because I crave, more than anything, to feel loved, needed, appreciated, and the regular sex wouldn’t hurt, but it’s not the main priority.”

That isn’t to say that there aren’t plenty of girls who go to a bar with their friends looking to meet a cute boy and have mind blowing, casual sex. But, I’m starting to see a pattern: as we get older, crazy, roller-coaster hook-ups get old too.

In a June survey, NPR found that while plenty of people consider hookups “fun,” almost as many find them either “degrading” or “dangerous.” Far less see hookups as “liberating” or “empowering.”

Eight years ago, the Independent Women’s Forum saw similar results in “Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right—College Women on Dating and Mating Today.” When asked to describe how they felt in the days following a hook up, 61% of women who chose “desirable” also chose “awkward.” This is murky territory.

What’s a girl to do?

What Is “Hooking Up?”

Looks like they're confused too....

In order to write a story, it’s usually a good idea for a journalist to define her terms. I, a student journalist, am in the early stages of a piece on hooking up, women, college, and what dating and romantic relationships mean in 2009. Problem is, no one can agree on a definition for “hooking up.”

For studies of contemporary culture. Urban Dictionary is an excellent starting point. However, even Urban Dictionary has 10 definitions of the term. It can’t decide how far hooking up involves going. The site tells us,

“Hooking up with someone, making out with them, but not going all the way.”

On the same page, it says,

“When 2 people kiss and/or fuck.”

Then, Urban Dictionary brings in the relationship question:

“When two people are making out and or having sex, which could lead to nothing or perhaps a relationship.”

A Google search that demands “define hooking up,” in quotation marks brings up almost 15,000 results. An image search for “hooking up” returns over a million. Our Facebooks are filled with friends’ photos of and statuses about hook-ups.

When it comes down to it, we, college students, are in no better shape the World Wide Web. We don’t know exactly what hooking up is. There isn’t a ritual to it. When we use it as a term to connote any sexual activity without a commitment or relationship, things become blurrier and more vague. What if it’s a long-term thing? What if your hook-up is your friend?

The questions keep coming, but where, and when can we find answers?

Dating is Out

It’s pretty easy to see what’s going on here: as of about 2003, the percentage of 12th graders who say they “never date” surpassed that of those who say they “date frequently.”

Although I have no scientific data to back myself up, I would imagine that this contrast is even more pronounced amongst college students. But, young men and women undoubtably continue to interact on a physical and romantic level with the opposite sex. How?

Hooking up.

There are no dinner dates, no trips to the movies and no days at the beach. Instead, there are text messages, vodka and sex. It’s the gen y version of dating.

At least that’s what the research tells us. I’m out to determine if it’s to be believed.